Average Joe Takes On Detroit

What would happen if Average Joe took on Detroit? Here’s a list of the top ten Average Joe solutions to get the American auto industry out of the red and into the green. Listen up Detroit, Average Joe is in the house.

10. The United States Treasury was not there to bailout Average Joe when he took his Fantasy Football picks to Vegas. Average Joe’s only legal solace was to file for bankruptcy. If bankruptcy is good enough for Average Joe, it is good enough for Detroit.

9. President Obama earns $400,000 with approximately $170,000 in additional perks. If the President of the United States who governs 305 million people of one of the most powerful countries in the world can get by on a salary of $560,000, then a salary and bonus reduction for executive directors is good enough for Detroit. Last time Average Joe voted he saw no shortage of presidential candidates. They can all keep their private jets.

8. Average Joe earns about $16 dollars per hour. If approximately $33,000 a year is good enough for Average Joe, then it is good enough for the average unionized auto industry worker.

7. Average Joe earns extra money on the side with an occasional garage sale. If Average Joe can part with his classic rock 8-tracks, then Detroit can surely downsize some of their makes and models. McDonalds the giant of efficiency as much as they tried to repackage the McRib; BicMac is still the king of burgers. Detroit, can you say “two beef patties, iceberg lettuce, American cheese, pickles, onion and special sauce served on a sesame seed bun?” Market branding does have its advantages.

6. Average Joe may not understand the intricacies of government regulation but one thing’s for certain; he knows the rules of the game and sometimes the rules suck. But one can only kick Detroit dirt at Uncle Sam so long before getting yanked out of the game. As much as Average Joe loves the ballgame sometimes even he wonders; does LA really deserve and need a football team? Average Joes says: reorganization. How about some of that tasty Canadian… uhhh… that’s Detroitian maple syrup for our executive saps?

5. When Average Joe got laid off he was told to go to community college to get retrained. (He now knows how to say “Can I help you?” and “Would you like fries with that?” in Spanish and Chinese, but that’s another story for another time). If government subsidized education is good enough for Average Joe, then let’s keep those research and development grants and that corporate welfare coming, Washington! Average Joe wants to know, did Detroit ever get its 25 billion for R&D as promised by Bush?

4. But seriously, folks. While Average Joe loves his Chevy Tahoe, he asks what came first the chicken or the egg? Put bluntly, does life imitate art or does art imitate life? Philosophical Average Joe is also a realist. A phone call from Detroit to Hollywood is what’s needed here. Put Jolie, Clooney and Hanks to work with Spielberg, mix in a soundtrack by Springsteen and we’ll soon have Detroit selling refrigerators to Eskimos… or is that hybrids to the Saudis? If Spielberg is busy… ear to the ground has it that Obama Girl is looking for a gig.

3. While Detroit was busy on Wall Street with corporate mergers, acquisitions, globalization, market shares, and golden parachutes, a funny thing happened on the way to Main Street. Social networking. Average Joe is bullish on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, and diggit. Detroit meet Silicon Valley. Now go play and share your toys. Detroit meet aerospace. Detroit did you ever have drinks with T. Boone Pickens? Profit sharing anyone?

2. Now you can say what you will about Average Joe but no matter what you may think, you’ll probably agree that Average Joe is a patriot. True blue, meat and potatoes, NASCAR loving, American pride, all the way. That’s just how Average Joe rolls. Now the other Joe might think that paying taxes is patriotic, except that Average Joe is more likely to get a tax refund from Uncle Sam rather than a patriotic grand ole’ American tax increase. Tea anyone?

But that’s beside the point. Average Joe enjoys watching those WWWII reruns on the History Channel every now and then. If U.S. government bonds funded WWWII, then by gone it, let’s sell some of those red, white, and blue patriot stocks in GM, Ford and Chrysler. Are Americans going to sit by and watch the American Chevelle, Mustang, and Barracuda muscle shrivel to Minis, Smarts and calorie counting Tatas? NO! Average Joe says take your average $13 dollar a week stimulus and buy yourself some American auto stocks. If it worked to get us out of the depression era then it will work to get us out of the consumption era.

1.And finally if none of the above work, there’s always Plan Z, which in this CASE means “copy and steal everything.” This method works best for the Chinese who in a few years just might own Detroit. (See #5)

This of course is a satirical look at the American auto industry in no way meant to undercut the seriousness of the current economic issue. No offense was meant to you Average Joe, whoever you might be and wherever you may roll.

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